An Unsolicited Redesign of the English Language

Originally published on Medium

The English language is pretty great. I use it every day. But I think it could be better, so I gave it a contemporary look. In the words of one close friend, "Grammar means nothing," so I focused on the aesthetics and usability.

First, punctuation.

Can this sentence stand on its own, or does it need a comma? Was the semicolon born of a typesetter's wet dream? What the hell is "~"? Hyphens, en dashes, or em dashes (Oxford ladies: call me)?

Comma

Commas are worthless, actually (AP Style ladies: call me). User experience is awful when it's not clear whether to use a comma for pacing prepositions or conjoining punctuation. Almost always comma use is quite simply an unnecessarily frivolous application.

Next pronunciation.

Say choir out loud. Now say it like it reads (cho-ere). This is how you lose users. Words should sound like they read so whenever two vowels are next to each other only the first matters. Though you could argue against pronunciation guidelines you'll realize you're rationalizing archaic specifications.

Spelling.

Weird rules ("I before E except after C") exist to keep feisty copy editors employed. Then there's Y which heinously bats for both teams. Sure it's the 21st century and we're tolerant to choice but to simplify the interface Y's are replaced with E's to keep everething straight.

Possession?

Thee don't have a clue. Either it's with an apostrophe or its definitive. No more apostrophes; the world is ours.

Apostrophe, inverted.

Contractions shouldnt go because thee keep things concise. Unsolicited redesigns are all about minimalism.

Linking verbs.

Linking verbs are onle used be people who like to be passive and take a long time to get to their point too long in me opinion. We should be active. Evere sentence punches with force and gusto. Grammar sounds exciting!

Words that sound the same.

There their theere. Eour eoure. Two to too. But butt. Bam. There. Eour. To. But (I like big butts but to Ts equals to mane).

Prepositions.

Previousle this confused users. Sometimes thee arrived before the subject and sometimes thee announced fashionable lateness. The grammar parte starts on time and eouve been uninvited prepositions. Painting a prettier picture? Grab a brush Dickens.

Conjunctions.

Dual thoughts birth the ampersand. Have an idea & have an explanation. Discourage run-on sentences & dont let users ruin there own experience.

This revised English language reads deliciousle & I appreciate eour consideration.